153 : we will stumble through heaven

When I'm tired or sad, I put things off until I feel a little more alive.
I read the messages from my friends and I make moves to reply but it doesn't look right, it doesn't sound right - and I don't know if I like this girl with the tired eyes and the lethargy in her veins. So I leave it. Tomorrow, I promise myself, I'll recognise myself again.
I put off loving you because there was too much noise in my head. I couldn't love you because I didn't have the headspace, and I'm sorry. I wanted to explain that, every time you held me, I felt hot breath across my face and a hand around my neck. 
We call it choking, in sport.
You can get so far, you get so close to success, and then you just shut yourself down.
I wanted to explain that I was choking.
But we both know that you would think I was blaming you.